The Perception: I get “super mom” comments ALL the time.  Well meaning women who praise me for all the things I do.  Don’t get me wrong, I am BUSY!  I have been blessed with the ability to be a stay at home mom and I have 3 awesome kids that keep me on my toes (especially the middle one! Yikes!!!) and have a lot of balls in the air ALL THE TIME!  The thing is, my strengths lie in some pretty easy to see areas.  I was browsing Facebook a while back and stumbled across this quote “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve Furtick

The Problem:  I decided a while back that I was going to be intentional about focusing on the sweet and beautiful moments that make me fall in love with being a mom over and over again.  As that “intentionality” has played out on Facebook over the past few years, I started to realize that what I portray online isn’t painting an accurate or “real” picture of my life…

The Plan:  Project Choose Your Moment is to write about the “behind the scenes” footage.  I am not in the habit of posting pictures of my house when it looks like a bomb went off, or videos of my children on their “challenging” days…  I love my kids but some days they make me CRAZY but being a mom isn’t ALL about about the crazy, it is also about the sweetness, the relationships, the quiet moments, the beauty…  The moments that I want to remember for always. It is time to pull the curtain of Facebook away though and talk about what life really looks like…

 

Freckles, Garbage Disposals and a Lot of Crying…

Here’s the thing, life is messy and imperfect and crazy and busy and monotonous, and exhausting and… Well, let’s just say my house doesn’t look like a magazine. With 3 kids under 5 and a 4th on the way there is rarely a dull moment around here… On top of that, we homeschool, try to eat “clean” as much as possible and I have my own photography business. Sometimes I find myself thinking “What was I thinking taking all of this on!!!” But the bottom line is that It is worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing…

With that said, yesterday was a doozie. It started out calm and beautifully average. It was Saturday, my husband made oatmeal for breakfast, I got to take an uninterrupted shower while Michael took all of the kids outside to work in the backyard. After I was done I walked outside to see what was going on and was struck by how gorgeous it was outside and then while talking to my daughter realized her freckles have gotten darker. I ran in to the house, grabbed my “nice” camera and started clicking away.

I am so very pleased with how they turned out. (Full blog post link HERE) Why I don’t do it more often with my kids? I don’t know… (although it is hard for me to think creatively when I am in “trying to get caught up” mode) and I am NEVER caught up!

My in laws showed up (I was going to take my MIL to the airport and my FIL was going to help my husband install my new garbage disposal!!!). Michael and my FIL started work in the kitchen. And I started to make lunch.

Then it was 1:00

Michael, my FIL and my oldest went to pick up something 1.5 hours away and my MIL, two youngest and I headed to the airport.

After we got home the relaxed tone had vanished. My youngest was out of sorts, my middle one was needy and it got old really fast. I tried TV, food, music, Motrin, and cuddling. Nothing was working…

It seemed like things were finally calming down when I heard glass breaking in the kitchen. In our rush to leave the house, and my focus on the kids since we got home the mess on the floor (everything from under the kitchen sink) had been overlooked. The glass container that I keep our dish washer detergent in (I had just made a brand new batch) was shattered on the floor and My youngest was standing in the middle of it. After “extracting” him and checking him over for glass and cuts he started crying again. And kept trying to come in the kitchen as I was trying to clean up the mess. I am ashamed to say I yelled at my 1.5 year old as I was attempting to keep him out of the kitchen which in turn made him cry even more. :-(

The next 3 hours didn’t get any better. More crying, more frustration, more clinginess. I was at my limit and when I checked in with Michael (because I thought they should be home soon) found that they were only just leaving from their errand. They had another 1.5-2 hours on the road before they would be home.

More crying (I still don’t know what was wrong with Noah) and when I got the text from Michael saying they were going to swing by Lowes to get a part they needed to finish the garbage disposal installation I started to cry.

It is embarrassing to me to even admit it. I am not a crier… Pregnancy makes my threshold lower but I don’t even like crying in front of my husband. For me, crying is a very “unattractive” emotion. For some crying is a way of “cleansing”. Not for me, after I cry, even for just a minute I feel drained and tired. I get all splotchy and normally end up with a raging sinus headache for the following 24 hours as well.

Then I started “pep talking” myself. “What are you so upset about! Why can’t you keep it together? Are you going to let a 1 yr and 3 yr old kick your but?” And all I could come up with was “Everything, I’m tired and Yes…”

Once the guys got back we ate dinner, I couldn’t pull it together enough to act like nothing was wrong and I am certain my FIL knew about my little break down. Another jar was dropped and glass was everywhere in the kitchen for the second time that day. I decided bed was the best place to be so while the guys cleaned up the mess and finished installing the garbage disposal I started on baths and brushing teeth. While I was getting the 2 oldest in bed Noah pulled a bowl of rice and fish off of the table and I walked out to find him eating it (his teeth were already brushed).

I chased him off and was cleaning that up when I realized I didn’t know where he was. I found him in the bathroom playing with the toilet plunger. He had effectively negated the last 45 min of work I had done (bath and teeth brushing) in less than 5 minutes!!! All I could come up with was a big fat sarcastic “FANTASTIC”!  I took a couple deep breaths, wet wiped him down, decided to forgo brushing his teeth again and headed to bed. (9:00 pm)

I think my FIL left around 9:30 and my husband unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned up the tools in the kitchen before he came to bed around 10:30 (which I don’t remember because I was sleeping)

I woke up this morning feeling tired still, with a headache and completely embarrassed.

It is going to take a lot for me to choose the morning moments and not dwell on the rest, but I guess it could have been worse right?

For now, it is good enough that the new day offers a new “tone” and a new set of moments to choose from…

I love my life but that doesn’t mean it is perfect or easy. It just means that the “mornings” make the “afternoons” worth it, and some days it is harder to “choose your moment” than others.